August 1, 2001
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you, He rises
to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him.
How things used to be....
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was a male goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was what you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a scissors
And paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
There's still wisdom in pad and paper
And memories remaining in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
August 2, 2001
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary
and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in
the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in
the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This
defect has been technically termed, "Sub-sequential Internal
Non-morality," or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at
fault for this defect,
is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to
correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most
generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost
of these repairs.
There is no additional fee required.
The toll free number to call for repair in all
areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the
REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair
Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or
small the SIN defect is, the Jesus will replace it with:
Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for
further details on
the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the manufacturer has
made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct
monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the
Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He
will take up
permanent residence on the premises!
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being
correction voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to
dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the
human unit being permanently impounded.
For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to
this recall action
will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be
permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that
August 3, 2001
And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Matthew 6:7
Rhonda asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four
an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and
Baby Jesus," Ms.
"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
August 4, 2001
Then I saw another angel flying in midair, and he
had the eternal gospel to proclaim to those who live on the earth--to every
nation, tribe, language, and people. Revelation 14:6
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and
sits down in a
confessional and says nothing. The priest slides open the confessional
window, but the drunken man sits silently. The bewildered priest clears
his throat to attract the drunkards attention, but still the drunken man
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.
Annoyed, the drunk replies, "No use knockin', buddy, there's no paper in
this one either."
August 5, 2001
I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:23
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the
receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
luck would have it, they matched.
August 6, 2001
For He says, "In the time of my favor I heard
you, and in the day of salvation I helped you. 2 Corinthians 6:2
Have you heard about the new changes on car models?
Dodge has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost. Chevy is adding wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor.
Ford is adding wiring elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks to keep your hands warm while pushing.
August 7, 2001
Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be
'No', anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five
tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
August 8, 2001
My friends, above all else, don't take an oath.
You must not swear by heaven or earth or by anything else. "Yes"
or "No" is all you need to say. If you say anything more, you will
be condemned. James 5:12
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news
and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will
be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the
train and not fly."
August 9, 2001
But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury
their dead. Matt: 8:22
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church.
It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said.
"We've got one of those in our town too."
August 10, 2001
Finally, brothers, goodbye. Aim for perfection,
listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace, and the God of love and
peace will be with you. 2 Corinthians 13:11
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how
it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
August 11, 2001
My sheep hear my voice, and
I know them, and they follow
me. John 10:27
A man called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports,
I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay definitely required a
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express."
August 12, 2001
Shout praise to the Lord! With all that I am, I
will shout His praises. I will sing and praise the Lord God for as long as
I live. Psalm 146:1-2
Same as yesterday!! LOL
August 13, 2001
So we, being many, are one body in Christ,
and every one members one of another.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when
she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make HER look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response; ...click.
August 14, 2001
Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My
should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the
same spring? James 3:10-11
A client called in inquiring about a package to
Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
August 15, 2001
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7
Consumer Goods Labels
1) On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: Do not use on food.
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the
2) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts. (Step 3: Fly Delta)
3) On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. (Hello...?????
4) On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
head-colds off those forklifts....)
5) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And
that would be how...???)
6) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have
we not prophesied in
your name? And in your name have cast out devils?
And in your name done many wonderful works?
And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you:
depart from me, you that work iniquity. Matthew 17:22-23
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark ...
*One: Don't miss the boat.
* Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
* Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
* Four: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
* Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be
* Six: Build your future on high ground.
* Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
* Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
* Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
* Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
* Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a
August 17, 2001
He who walks with wise men becomes wise, but the
companion of fools will suffer harm. Proverbs 13:20
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told
my flight number is 823, but none of these stupid planes have
numbers on them.
August 18, 2001
God is faithful and reliable. If we confess our sins, He forgives them and cleanse us from everything we've done wrong. 1 John 1:9
The Dentist's Hymn:.............Crown Him with Many
The Weatherman's Hymn:..........There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:..........The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:..............Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:..............There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:..........Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:.........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:...........I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:..............Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:.........Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:.............Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn:.............I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn:....He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:..............The Great Physician
For those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph...........................God Will Take Care of You
55mph...........................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65mph...........................Nearer My God To Thee
75mph...........................Nearer Still Nearer
85mph...........................This World Is Not My Home
95mph...........................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and over 100mph.................Precious Memories
August 19, 2001
Nothing unclean, no one who does anything detestable,
and no liars will ever enter it. Only those whose names are written in the
lamb's Book of Life will enter it. Revelation 21:4
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin
Mary or the King James Virgin?"
August 20, 2001
So admit your sins to each other, and pray for each
other so that you will be healed. Prayers offered by those who have God's
approval are effective.
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's
agony, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen
table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one
great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste
of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to
life. The aged and withered hand, shakily, made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
August 21, 2001
So don't worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow
will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own. Matthew
Talk About the Blind Leading the Blind?
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.
One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to
the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time
been setting our clock by your whistle.
August 22, 2001
Brothers and sisters, think about the things that
are good and worthy of praise. Think about the things that are true and honorable
and right and pure and beautiful and respected. Philippians 4:8
A family altar can alter a family.
Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!
Give God what's right, not what's left!
Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit"
over "religious nuts"!
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
He who angers you, controls you!
He who is good at making excuses is seldom goodfor anything else.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!
Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
"Pray" is a four letter word that you can say anywhere.
Prayer - Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!
Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
We set the sail; God makes the wind.
We're too blessed to be depressed.
Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.
Worry is the darkroom in which "negatives" are developed.
If God is your co-pilot.....swap seats
God Bless You!!!
August 23, 2001
Train a child in the way he should go, and even
when he is old he will not turn away from it. Proverbs 22:6
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a
check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an
otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in
here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the
doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her
throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie
Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he
listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll
hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in
my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
August 24, 2001
If any of you are having trouble, pray. If you are happy, sing psalms. James 5:13
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in
the picture had a different color hair than the
other family members. One child suggested that he
was adopted and a little girl said, "I know all about
adoptions because I was adopted."
"What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child.
"It means," said the girl, "that you grew in your
mommy's heart instead of her tummy."
****Daily Humor & Scripture will now be weekly every Sunday morning.
Sunday August 26, 2001
If you are sick, call for the church leaders. Have them pray for you and anoint you with olive oil in the name of the Lord. (Prayers offered in faith will save those who are sick, and the Lord will cure them.) If you have sinned, you will be forgiven. So admit your sins to each other, and pray for each other so that you will be healed. Prayers offered by those who have God's approval are effective. James 5:14-16
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says," Go to Room 24, but be very
quiet as you pass Room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go
to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates.
"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being
Different rooms for
different religions, But why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?" St.
Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think
they're the only ones here."