May June July August Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec.2001
July 1, 2001
The Lord is with you when you are with
Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him. 2 Chronicles 15:2
A "blonde" went to a flight
school, insisting she wanted to learn
to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the
owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I
love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet,
and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about
half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything
was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
( Don't be offended, I am a "blond")
July 2, 2001
Blessed are those who hunger and search after righteousness, for they shall be filled. Matthew 5:6
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"said one boy. The bucket was so full that several rolled out towards the fence. " Don't worry, we'll get those later."
Riding on his bike down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you."
"Oh my god!" he shuddered,"It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence. But then they heard, "That's all of them. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
July 3, 2001
Every word of God is flawless; He is
a shield to those who take refuge in Him.
An avid duck hunter was in the market
for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually
walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his
friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend
of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. However, he did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."
July 4, 2001
If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14
(In Honor of the 4th of July, a prayer
today will take the place of the joke. )
George Washington's Prayer
" Almighty God, we make our earnest prayer that Thou wilt keep the United States in Thy holy protection, that Thou wilt incline the hearts of the citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination and obedience to government, and entertain a brotherly affection and love for one another and for fellow citizens of the United States at large.
And finally, that Thou wilt most graciously be pleased to dispose us all to do justice, to love mercy, and to demean ourselves with that charity, humility, and pacific temper of mind which were the characteristics of the Divine Author of our blessed religion, and without an humble imitation of whose example in these things, we can never hope to be a happy nation.
Grant our supplications, we beseech thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen"
Written at Newburg, June 8th, 1783
Sent to the governors of all the states.
July 5, 2001
If a man shuts his ears to the cry of the poor, he too will cry out and not be answered. Proverbs 21:13
Dawn, who has recently become a dear friend of mine is diligently working in the mission field of Costa Rica, Colombia. However, she does not advertise her needs, as she is a humble servant of the Lord. There have been some tornados doing damage to their work there, and they need prayer. I have put her mission on a page on my site for all to see. Please visit, and keep her in your prayers. Thank you and God bless. <>< http://www.lifechanginglove.com/rescatando.htm
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
July 6, 2001
The rich rule over the poor. and the
borrower is servant to the lender.
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now,"she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "
July 7, 2001
But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. Acts1:8
An English professor announced to the
class: "There are two words I don't
allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool." From the back of the
room a voice called out, "....... so, what are the words?"
July 8, 2001
He who has an ear, let him hear what
the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right
to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God. Revelation 2:7
A little boy
went to school one day and while he was gone, his cat got run over by a truck.
His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"
July 9, 2001
Do you see a man skilled
in his work? He will serve before kings; he will not serve before obscure men.
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.
The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay, it's in coupon heaven now."
"Coupon heaven?", the checker said.
"Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."
"Only the redeemed ones!", said the checker.
July 10, 2001
This is the message
we have heard from Him and declare to you; God is light; in Him there is no
darkness at all. 1John 1:5
Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. Isaac is incredulous. "Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows 95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows 95." But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "God will provide the RAM, my son."
July 11, 2001
How long, O men, will
you turn my glory into shame? How long will you love delusions and seek false
gods? Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord will
hear when I call to Him. Psalm 4:2-3
Mohandas Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a political person, and often went on hunger strikes to protest many injustices. After a while, these hunger strikes took their tole and he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as;
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
July 12, 2001
See , I have engraved
you on the palm of my hands; your walls are ever before me. Isaiah 49:16
Paul and Joanne were out to dinner, and Paul was about halfway through with his meal before he stopped and took a good look at his potato.
He called over the waitress (Angela) and complained, "This potato is bad."
Angela picked it up, smacked it, put it back on Paul's plate and said, "If that potato causes any more trouble just let me know."
July 13, 2001
God is our refuge and strength, an
ever-present help in times of trouble.
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.
July 14, 2001
Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14
After the christening
of his baby brother in church,
all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him threetimes what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said
he wantedus brought up in a Christian home,
and I want to stay with you
July 15, 2001
Set your mind on things above, not
on earthly things. Colossians 3:2
A college drama group presented a play
in which one character
on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand
a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge
The play was well received.
When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was
overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I
descend into hell!" the
the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly
tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the
jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
July 16, 2001
Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1
10 little Christians standing in line. 1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9.
9 little Christians stayed up very late. 1 overslept Sunday, then there were 8.
8 little Christians on their way to Heaven. 1 took the low road and then there were 7.
7 little Christians chirping like chicks. 1 disliked music, then there were 6.
6 little Christians seemed very much alive, but one lost his interest then there was 5.
5 little Christians pulling for Heaven's Shore, but one stopped to rest, then there were 4
4 little Christians each busy as a bee. 1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3
3 little Christians knew not what to do. 1 joined the sporty crowd, then there were 2
2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done, differed with each other, then there was 1
1 little Christian can't do much 'tis true, brought his friend to bible study, then there were 2
2 earnest Christians, each won one more. That doubled the number, then there were 4
4 sincere Christians worked early and late. Each won another then there were 8
8 splendid Christians if they doubled as before. In just so many Sundays, we'd have 1,024
In this little jingle, there is a lesson true, you belong either to the building or to the wrecking crew!
July 17, 2001
Jesus answered, "I tell you the
truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will be able to do what I did
to this tree and more. You will be able to say to this mountain, 'Go, fall into
the sea' And if you have faith it will happen. If you believe, you will get
anything you ask for in prayer" Matthew 21:21-22
Emily Sue passed away and her less
than bright husband called 911.
The 911 operator told the man that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
The man replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally
the husband said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick
her up there?"
July 18, 2001
I want you to know, that God has also
sent his salvation to all nations, and they will listen.
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship
service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her
son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she
leaned over and whispered, 'If you
don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to
lose his place and will have to start his
sermon all over again!' It worked."
July 19, 2001
Listen, I have given you power to walk
on snakes and scorpions, power that is greater then the enemy has. So nothing
will hurt you. Luke 10:19
St. Peter has a day-off from his duties
at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him.
Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar.
When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.
"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.
"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".
Jesus is now getting quite excited.
In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes".
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply.
Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?!
The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies.... "Pinnochio?"
July 20, 2001
Do you think I came to give peace to the earth? No, I tell you, I came to divide it. Luke 12:51
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do
prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a
July 21, 2001
There is no fear in love. But perfect
love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears
is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
A boy was watching his father, a pastor,
write a sermon."How do
what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
July 22, 2001
Jesus called the crowd to him and said,
"Listen and understand. What goes into a man's mouth does not make him
unclean, but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him unclean."
One day, a man walks into a dentist's
office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
July 23, 2001
Therefore I tell you, do not worry
about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body. what you will
wear. Is not life more important then food, and the body more important then
This executive was interviewing a nervous young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
July 24, 2001
Now I want you to realize that the
head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head
of Christ is God. 1 Corinthians 11:3
A little girl walked to and from school daily.
Though the weather that
morning was questionable and clouds were forming,
she made her daily trek
to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and
lightning. The mother of the little girl felt
concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home
from school and she herself feared that the
might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning,
flaming sword, would cut
through the sky. Full of concern, the mother
quickly got into her car
and drove along the route to her child's school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking
along, but at each flash
of lightning, the child would stop, look up and
smile. Another and another
were to follow quickly and with each the little
girl would look at the
streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside
the child she
lowered the window and
called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you
The child answered, " I am trying to look pretty;
God keeps taking my
May God bless you today as you face
that come your way. And
don't forget to SMILE!
July 25, 2001
When anxiety was great within me, your
consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Patrick," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Robbie," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Kevin," she wrote
to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious!"
July 26, 2001
He said to them, "This is what
I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is
written about me in the law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms. Luke 24:44
After a pleasant day fishing in the
ocean, a fisherman is walking
from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. Suddenly a Game
Warden appears out of nowhere and asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters,
they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle, and
these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return
them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds
him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns
to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he
throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now
whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the
water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
July 27, 2001
Better the little
that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked. Psalm 37:16
A guy with a severe stutter applied for a job selling Bibles. The
believed he'd never make it as a salesman, and was about to tell the guy to
elsewhere for work. The stutterer begged for the job, "P-p-p-p-p-le-ease
g-gg-g-ive m-m-m-mee a ch-ch-cha-a-ance. I-i-ic-c-can d-d-d-o i-i-tt."
Well, the manager said, OK, he'd give
him a few Bibles and the rest of the
see if he could sell one or two. By lunchtime, the stutterer was back,
all the Bibles. The manager was impressed, and asked if he could accompany
stutterer after lunch.
"S-s-sure," said the guy,
and later they went out to the streets. They
house, and the stutterer went up and knocked on the door. When the
he said, "G-g-g-g-good a-a-a-ftern-n-n-noon, M-m-ma'am. I-i-i'm
B-b-b-bibles. W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like to b-b-b-buy a
or sh-sh-sh-ould I j-j-j-j-ust r-r-read it t-t-t-to you?"
July 28, 2001
All the believers were one in heart
and mind, no one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared
everything they had. Acts 4:32
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
"Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile
chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "Take all you want, God is
watching the apples."
July 29, 2001
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
There are many reasons why
God shouldn't have called you.
But don't worry, You're in good company.
David's armor didn't fit.
John Mark was rejected by Paul.
Timothy had ulcers.
Hosea's wife was a prostitute.
Amos' only training was
in the school of fig-tree pruning.
Jacob was a liar.
David had an affair.
Solomon was too rich.
Jesus was too poor.
Abraham was too old.
David was too young.
Peter was afraid of death.
Lazarus was dead
John was self-righteous.
Naomi was a widow.
Paul was a murderer.
so was Moses (and David).
Jonah ran from God.
Miriam was a gossip
Gideon and Thomas both doubted.
Jeremiah was a bullfrog (just kidding);
He was depressed and suicidal.
Elijah was burned out.
John the Baptist was a loudmouth.
Martha was a worry-wart.
Mary may have been lazy.
Samson had long hair.
Noah got drunk.
Did I mention that Moses had a short fuse?
So did Peter, Paul, -
Well, lots of folks did.
But God doesn't require a job interview.
He doesn't hire and fire like most bosses.
Because He's more our Dad than our Boss.
He doesn't look at financial gain or loss.
He's not prejudiced or partial,
Not judging, grudging,
Sassy, or brassy, not deaf
To our cry, not blind to our need.
As much as we try, God' s gifts are free.
We could do wonderful things for
Wonderful people and still not be...Wonderful
Satan says, "You're not worthy."
Jesus says, "So what? I AM."
Satan looks back and sees our mistakes.
God looks back and sees the Cross.
He doesn't calculate what you did in '98.
If we've been forgiven, it's not even
On the record!
Sure, there are lots of reasons
Why God shouldn't have called us.
But if we are totally in love
With Him, if we hunger for Him more
Than our next breath, He'll
Use us in spite of who we are,
Where we've been or what we look
July 30, 2001
Jesus answered, "Watch out that
no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming , "I am the
Christ", and will deceive many." Matthew 24:4-5
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Soul food served here"
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"
"We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!"
"Come early for a good back seat"
"Life has many choices - For Eternity, two. What's yours?"
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
"No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace!"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Delay is preferable to error"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies"
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the
"To belittle is to be little"
"God answers kneemail"
July 31, 2001
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9
It works! It
really, really works!
Are you experiencing too many reserves & second places to inferior animals in the dog show ring?
In the obedience ring, agility ring or field, does your dog forget his/her own name?
Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief & happiness to you.
Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money.
Simply send a copy to six other dog owners who are dissatisfied with the way their dogs are working & showing.
Also bundle up your dog & send him/her to the dog owner at the top of the list, & add your name to the bottom of the list.
In one week, you will receive 16,436 dogs, and at least one of them should be a keeper.
Have faith in this letter. DO NOT break the chain.
One owner broke the chain and GOT HIS OWN DOG BACK!!
May June July August Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec.