June 1, 2001
Let us not become
weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do
not give up.
Early Warning Signs Of Aging
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- You can eat dinner at 4pm.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider prune juice one of the most important things in life.
- You really enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into heated arguments about Social Security.
- You got cable for the Discovery/Health channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
June 2, 2001
There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can
succeed against the Lord. The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but
victory rests with the Lord.
Jewish humor has it that a rabbi and a priest met
at the town picnic
And began their usual "kibitzing.""This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just
don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you're tried
Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down
and try a little ham?"
The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."
June 3, 2001
So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27
An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the First
Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's
obvious by the silence that they don't get along.
After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replies, "Oooooh, no rike Chinese? Why dat?"
"You bombed Pearl harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
"Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter, they're all alike."
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer says, "No rike
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
"No. no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah ... all same."
June 4, 2001
Better the little that the righteous
have, than the wealth of many wicked; for the power of the wicked will be
broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that
the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. He ran even faster,
so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he
tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled
over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him:
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and,
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a believer now, but
perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together
.... bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am
about to receive, I am truly thankful."
June 5, 2001
If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.
A little girl was in church with her mother
when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave
"No," her mother replied."Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes.""How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?""I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
June 6, 2001
Righteous Father, though the world does
not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I made you
known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love
you have for me may be in them an
d that I myself may be in them.
A young car salesman had just got
his own office.
He had just rented a beautiful office with internet access, and it overlooked dunkin donughts.He spotted a man coming into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the new car salesman picked up the phone and
started to pretend he had a big deal working, flinging papers around and talking big.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''And what can I do for you?''
To which the visitor replied:
''Not much, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
June 7, 2001
And my God will supply every need of yours
according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '24X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off.
June 8, 2001
Do not be overcome by evil; but overcome
evil with good.
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a
man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought
to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this
carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since
she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would
be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner
and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any
ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded
her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he
was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then
went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still
affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable. So while her
husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight
to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took
her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to
the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked
cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes.
When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her
hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of
innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He
asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this
point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Are you smiling?? :-)
June 9, 2001
If my people who are called by my name humble themselves,
and pray and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear
from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14
From An Actual Trial Transcript
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
June 10, 2001
I consider that the sufferings of this present time
are not to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd
like some Polish
sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I
had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I
had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I
had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"
The clerk says "Well, no."
With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage??"
The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
June 11, 2001
Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Mark 14:38
An airplane was about to crash, and there
were 5 passengers left, but
only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Paul, said, "I am
of Life Changing Love Ministries, and I
have a great responsibility, being the leader , and a superpower, yata, yata, yata." I am also the world's smartest
man ever. So he takes the first
parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
The second passenger, said, I'm Joanne, one of the hardest workers of Life Changing Love Ministries, so I can't afford to
die." So she takes the second
parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Angela, says "I am the daughter of Joanne and I am the
smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and
The fourth passenger, a man named Vito, says to the fifth passenger, his younger brother "I am older then you are and seen more in life so
as Christian gesture and a good
deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.
The younger brother, Tony says, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you. The
world's smartest man took my backpack.
June 12, 2001
May those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy.
He that goes forth weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with
shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. Psalm 126:5-6
By the time the sailor pulled into a little
town, every hotel
room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "or just a
bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force
guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the
cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people
in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure
it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guysnoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
June 13, 2001
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:16
A young boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was
coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop,
and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he
would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went,
step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down
the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near
tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the
pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and
more distressed from all the laughing, and was also
near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When
asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear." :-(
June 14, 2001
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1John 1:9
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this
car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his
captain. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so
I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was
told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who
stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box,
and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding too!
June 15, 2001
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you. John 15:7
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one
little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The
teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God
looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from
her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute
June 16, 2001
And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it." when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21
June 17, 2001
There is great gain in Godliness with contentment; for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world; but if we have food and clothing, with these we shall be content. 1 Timothy 6:6-8
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how
are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
June 18, 2001
Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the
Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:19
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie
pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers
June 19, 2001
Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away
from the one who wants to borrow from you. Matthew 5:42
A young man was
a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to
the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived
for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care
of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"
June 20, 2001
Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a
light to my path. Psalms 119:105
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop, Acts 2:38".
The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38". Well, this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done.
As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."
"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an Axe and two 38s."
(In case you were wondering: Acts 2:38 Peter
said to them, "Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of
Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven; and you will receive the gift
of the Holy Spirit.)
June 21, 2001
The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken
spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Psalms
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her
nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he
says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog
says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has
anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this,"
and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half and inch tall,
bright pink, and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and then disappears into a back office. She finds the manager
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds
up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
(Are you ready?????)
(You can't get ready for this)
(OK, here goes.......)
The manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack,
Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
June 22, 2001
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be in dread of anyone; for it is the Lord your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about his four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, he had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.My friend was so impressed with the fact that his daughter wants to follow in his footsteps! He was just beaming with pride!!
Just then. . . Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
June 23, 2001
One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing, another
pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth. Proverbs 13:7
June 24, 2001
A voice says, "Cry out," and I said "What
shall I cry?" All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the
flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the
breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers
and the flowers fall but the Word of our God stands forever.
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?" The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
June 25, 2001
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but
repeats the matter separates close friends.
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter,
the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she
would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of
the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
June 26, 2001
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: "Give
careful thought to your ways"
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
June 27, 2001
When times are good, be happy; but when times are
God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man
cannot discover anything about his future.
'While I was doing some supply teaching after retirement, a young boy of ten
said to me, "You're old, aren't you?" (I was 64.) I made some suitable
reply. He persisted - "Well, 'ow old are yer?" "Oh, I don't tell little boys
how old I am," I replied. Rather a smug look came over his face, and
thinking he was delivering the ultimate insult,
"You're 40, aren't
June 28, 2001
Jesus answered them, "Destroy this temple,
and I will raise it again in three days."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking at the old pages as he turned them.
Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it
up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a
tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's
June 29, 2001
But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait
for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Micah 7:7
A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus.
June 30, 2001
Restore us again, O God our Savior, and put away
your displeasure toward us. Psalm 85:4
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to
say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"