Scriptures in Red
Humor
in Blue
May June July August Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec.2001
May 9, 2001
You have heard that it was said, "Love
your neighbor and hate your enemy." But I tell you, "Love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you.
Matthew 5:43-44
10 ways to tell if you are on the computer
too much!!
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop
to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. Your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of
your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you
never
bothered to ask.
10. In real life conversations,
you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
May 10, 2001
Your hand will be lifted up in triumph
over your enemies, and all your foes will be destroyed. Micah 5:9
The Smuggler.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's
in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just
see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds
nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that
there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination
and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated
every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina
in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the
guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's
all I think about.....
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
May 11,2001
For there is nothing hidden that will
not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought
out into the open.
Luke 8:17
Today's Joke: Blind Skydiving
A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished,
he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack."
May 12, 2001
Blessed are you when people insult you,
persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same
way they persecuted the prophets before you.
Matthew 5:11-12
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them."
May 13, 2001
Come to me, all who are heavy laden, and
I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
A Nun asked her class to write notes to
God. Here were
some of the
notes they handed in:
Dear God, I didn't think orange
went with purple until I
saw the
sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Dear God, Instead of letting people
die and having to make
new
ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have.
Dear God, May be Cain and Abel would
not have killed each
other
so much if they had their own rooms. That's what my Mom
did for me and my
brother.
Dear God, If you watch me in church
on Sunday, I'll show
you my new
shoes.
Dear God, I bet it is hard for you
to love all of
everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I
am having a hard
time loving all of them.
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he
keeps using those
bowling ball words in the house?
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe
to look like that
or was it
an accident?
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God, I went to this wedding
and they kissed right in
church.
Is this okay?
Dear God, Do you really mean "Do
unto others as they do
unto you"?
Because if you did, I am going to get my brother good.
Dear God, Thank you for my baby
brother, but what I prayed
for was
a puppy.
Dear God, Please send me a pony,
I never asked for
anything before,
you can look it up.
Dear God, I want to be just like
my Daddy when I get big,
but with
not so much hair all over.
Dear God, You don't have to worry
about me, I always look
both ways.
Dear God, I think about you sometimes
even when I am not
praying.
Dear God, Of all the people who
work for you, I like Noah
and David
best.
Dear God, My brother told me about
being born, but it
doesn't sound
right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
Thomas Edison made light, but in
Sunday School they
said you did. So I bet he stole your idea.
May 14, 2001
A soft answer turns
away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
Top 10 ways to harass a telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad
you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;
my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you are just about to file for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are
busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number
so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot
give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone
bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say,
"Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how is your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY,
because you want to write EVERY WORD down...
May 15, 2001
Call to me, and I will answer you, and
will tell you great and hidden things which you have not known.
Jeremiah 33:3
Father Forgive Me
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive
me father for I have sinned."
"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"
"I had intimacy with a girl."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."
"No father, please forgive me. I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
May 16, 2001
We may make a lot
of plans, but Lord will do what he has decided.
Proverbs 19:21
It was Palm Sunday and, because
of strep throat, Sue's
three-year-old son had to stay home from church with
a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying
palm branches, he asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
his mother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday
I didn't go, He showed up!"
May 17, 2001
Blessed are the pure in heart, for
they shall see God.
Matthew 5:8
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing
argument about who was better on the
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing
all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up
a
test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the
keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent
emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did
some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10
minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the
sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went
off.
Satan stared at his blank screen
and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on,
and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything
when
the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus
saves."
May 18, 2001
Who is wise? He will realize these
things. Who is discerning? He will understand them. The ways of the Lord are
right; the righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them.
Hosea 14:9
The Sermon
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
May 19, 2001
Praise the Lord.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.
Psalm 106:1
Microsoft vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated: " If GM had kept up with technology
like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar
cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the "start"
button to shut off the engine.
May 20, 2001
If we deliberately
keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice
for sins is left. Hebrews 10:26
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar,
and talk turns to their adventure on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate
has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "So, how did you end up with
the peg-leg?" the sailor asked.
"We were in a storm at sea," replied the pirate, "and I was
swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to seagull poop?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
May 21, 2001
For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." 1 Peter 3:10-12
Paul the excellent mechanic was
removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous
heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting
for the service manager, Chet, to come take a
look at his Mercedes.
Paul shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey!
Is that you?
"Come on over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Paul the mechanic was working on the car.
Paul straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,
"So Mr. Fancy Doctor,
look at this here work.
I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when
I finish this baby will purr like a kitten.
So how come you get big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Paul the mechanic.
" Try doing it with the engine running."
May 22, 2001
If I give all I
possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love,
I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud. 1 Corinthians 13:3-4
An Irishman, an Italian and a Redneck
were doing construction work
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman
said, "corned beef and cabbage. If I
get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off
this building."
The Italian opened his lunch box
and exclaimed; "pizza again. If I get pizza
one more time I'm going to jump too."
The Redneck opened his lunch and
said; "bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next Day the Irishman opens
his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage
and jumps to his death.
The Italian opens his lunch, sees pizza and jumps too.
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At The Funeral, the Irishman's wife
is weeping. She says; "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it
to
him again."
The Italian's wife also weeps and
says; "I could have given him pasta or
antipasto. I didn't realize he hated pizza so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the
Redneck's wife.... "Hey, don't look at me,
"she said, "That dummy made his OWN lunch!"
May 23, 2001
Listen to what the
Lord says,
"Stand up, plead your case before the mountains; let the hills hear what
you have to say.
Micah 6:1
AN ETERNITY
On a very hot day out in the country, a woman was washing clothes in her back
yard using a tub and washboard. Two seminary students come by to share with
her.
They knock on the front door. All the doors to her house are open for ventilation. When she hears the knocking, she comes through the house and asks them what they want. They tell her that Jesus Christ can offer her eternal life.
She thinks about it for a minute, then wipes the sweat off her face, pushes her hair off her forehead, and replies, "No thanks, I don't think I can stand it."
May 24, 2001
I revealed myself to those who did
not ask for me; I was found by those who did not seek me. To a nation that
did not call on my name, I said, "Here am I, here am I.
ISAIAH 65:1
CASTING STONES
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's
going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
May 25, 2001
The Lord watches
over all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy.
PSALMS 145: 20
In Sunday School, they were teaching
how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
May 26, 2001
Be careful, then,
how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity,
because the days are evil.
EPHESIANS 5:15-16
THEY DIED IN THE SERVICE?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which
one sir,
the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
May 27, 2001
Do not judge, or
you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be
judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Matthew 7 :1 - 2
Where Is God??
Two little brothers were always
in trouble in the town
they lived in. The parents decided the only thing to do
was to have the new Priest in town talk to them. The
Priest agreed but he said, only one at a time.
So Billy went first. The Priest
walked into the room
where Billy was sitting and asked, "Where is God"?
Billy just sat there starring at the floor so the Priest
asked again, in a louder voice, "Where is God"?
Billy started to squirm in his chair when in a booming
voice, the Priest asked ,"Where is God"?
At this point, Billy jumped up,
ran out of the room,
down the street into his house , up the stairs, into his
room and stood leaning against the door making sure he
hadn't been followed.
His brother Bobby asked him. "What
happened"? And Billy
said, "You are not going to believe this, but God is
missing and their trying to blame us"!!!!
May 28, 2001
I tell you, whoever
acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before
the angels of God.
LUKE 12:8
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across
the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps,
turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the
lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the
burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side
of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot
answers "Yes I did." So the burglar says , "What's your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of
stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says,
"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
May 29, 2001
I Lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn against me on every side.
PSALMS 3:5-6
Walking on water
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor
said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and
sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits
down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going
to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and
sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if
they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls
in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should
of told him where the rocks were?"
May 30,2001
Do not be mislead:
"Bad company corrupts good character."
1 CORINTHIANS 15:33
God will provide
A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites
the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?"
the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed
to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will
provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement
ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate
on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the
young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How
did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans,
but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
May 31, 2001
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promises, as some
understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish,
but everyone to come to repentance. 2Peter 3:9
Marriage
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion
had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they
passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives
of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
May June July August Sept. Oct. Nov. Dec.